Day 25

Lil’ man slept through the night, waking only for a 4:30 a.m. re-swaddle. This is a huge deal for us. That is 6.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep – amazing!!! Mom took care of him and he went back to sleep for another couple of hours. She fed him at about 7:00 a.m. and he again lay back down to sleep.

Lil’ man gave me a gift today, an easier day. I needed to run to a nearby store for a replacement battery and he went without much fuss. As the scheduled feeding time passed, he did complain but once home I fed him immediately. Then back to napping. Noontime we sat on the couch and I re-introduced him to our dog, Gordo. The dog was jealous of our sofa time so I invited him up to sit with us. Lil’ man was not overly interested; there is a ceiling fan in the main room and he was moving his head as the blades moved, but I encouraged the interaction. Gordo climbed up on the couch and lay down next to us. He sung a tune of moans and groans, nothing much to say that he looked forward to the meet and greet. Lil’ man was licked on his hands and face, however, and the event went well enough for a start. After the 4:00 p.m. feeding and free time, I tucked our son in and left for naptime. About an hour later, I heard noises coming from the room. On opening the door, I found him playing and cooing. I quickly said, “Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping”? He replied with a grand grin and a quick snuggling back in for his nap. Mom returned home and handled the late feeding, admiring him each moment she had with him. We went to bed around 10:30 p.m.

Day 24

 I finally have convinced mom that lil’ man does not need to eat through the night and we are starting to see improvements. He slept until 2:30 a.m., needing a re-swaddle and then woke again at 5:30 a.m. for a Binky check; things are getting better. I got up to make morning coffee, with a sense that things are going to start getting better.

Today mom left for work with a fresh smile and laugh. I too was feeling better and whatever had happened, we both needed it badly. The plan for the day was to drop off a birthday quiche to an friend of ours and then head up to Grandma C’s house to visit for a bit; we had planned on the usual Tuesday meeting but she was not feeling well yesterday. We headed out to visit the birthday girl and she was excited to meet us quickly at the door. I was thinking I would be simply dropping off the present but we were invited in and offered coffee. Our hostess asked to hold lil’ man and I happily obliged. About an hour later, we finally wrapped up our visit – it lasted far longer than expected. There was another stop in the area I thought to make today too – a quick introduction of lil’ man to a friendly librarian that had helped me in the past. We made the stop and Esther was thrilled to see me again and to meet lil’ man. She immediately went to hold him and hugged him like no other – she has never had children of her own. She paraded him around the library, showing him off to all of her co-workers and then introduced us to the children’s room librarian. We concluded our visit and it was off to Grandma C’s house. The trip had already been more than planned. Once we arrived, lil’ man was already expressing his discomfort with all of the action of the day. It was feeding time but he was not overly interested in anything more than sleep. I managed to calm him and grandma C got a chance to feed him in quite. She was able to play with him for a bit and then we lay him down to rest. He went immediately to sleep, without any fuss. I stayed and visited for a bit and then, car loaded, grandpa J came home from work. He, of course, wanted to visit with his grandson too. I took lil’ man back out of the car and unbuckled him from his chair; we all sat in the front yard of the house. Lil’ man was not happy. I think he may have felt mislead…home being so close on the horizon. He fussed while grandpa tried to admire and play with him, but lil’ man wanted nothing to do with it. So, I reluctantly loaded him back up and we drove off, screaming baby in the backseat. He woke occasionally, just when the car was stopped; he definitely wanted to get home to his usual spot. We got home and I placed him to bed immediately. There was not complaint. Mom got home and I gave her the story of our day. She was impressed with all of the stops and travel. We ate a quite meal and concluded our day. We went to bed at 10:00 p.m.

Day 23

I woke at 1:30 a.m. to re-swaddle lil’ man. My back cracked in series of pops as I stood up from bed. He put up quite the fuss but I was able to calm him and lay him back down to sleep. It seems he was down until mom woke him for the early a.m. feeding. I think he is about as tired as I feel now. Mom readied for the day, as I lay in bed unable to move. She clearly is having a hard time understanding the depth of my exhaustion and growing depression – this is much harder than I originally thought.

Tuesday’s have had a pre-set plan to visit Grandma C. She called early in the morning and said that she was not feeling well enough to visit today. That led to a general conversation of things and an outlet for my frustrations was opened, some frustration relieved. Without a planned trip for the day, I opted to visit an old walking / jogging trail that was nearby where we used to live. I loaded up the car with the necessary equipment, nearly filling my car to capacity. We headed off to the trail, without incident. We paid a visit to the trailhead office, where I used to work and have a few friends. The girls there doted on lil’ man and we kept our visit short. A nice springtime walk of about a mile, ended with seeing some other people I knew from my trail days; they were all happy to see me and impressed with our son. One person, whom I did not know, edged his way into the conversation and said “you know that glow you have, that strange happiness inside you…you just have to look at your son to know where it is coming from because your son has it too”! – damned new-age voodoo people. I did appreciate the compliment, although it was strange, and a little uncomfortable to hear from this person I did not know. We loaded up the car and headed home. Lil’ man’s schedule was in disarray; we had missed nearly every scheduled feeding but he was contented. I lay him down when we returned but he struggled to communicate something to me – hungry! I could have sworn that he said the word. I said, “hungry?” and she seemed to nod his head in approval. I fed him a quick bottle. Satisfied, he went right to sleep. He woke and slept in a confused state for a few hours until I finally wrapped him proper and lay him down at 5:00 p.m. Mom came home around 7:00 p.m. and she immediately went to check on him and feed him. Our dinner that night ended with conversation on how things were going for me. She was concerned that I was unhappy and that this was not working out the way we had planned – another outlet for my frustrations. I explained my position and told her about my troubles but that things were not terrible enough to stop what we are currently doing – today was actually a good day wife! As she spoke, I then realized the toll that has she has been paying for this routine – she is tired too and simply misses her child during the day. It warmed my heart and the world showed me what I needed to see this day. My ‘complaints’ from the past few days were simply that I was physically exhausted from the manual labor of moving sod. Yes, there are concerns about how things will play-out after the end of our planned stay-at-home dad experiment and I am suffering from a bit of depression, resigning to my new role in life, but there was something I had not considered, something more important than my own struggles; mom was depressed too. She did not even notice my missing, scraggly, beard that I had shaved off early in the day, which was something she complained about each and every day. We talked together in a way that married couples should and we both began to relax. We both found some relief (this day) in each other – as I suspect it should be. The night ended more happily than many before it, with mom leading the charge off to bed. I followed shortly after and we both fell quickly asleep. It was 10:30 p.m.

Day 22

I woke for a 12:30 p.m. and 2:30 a.m. comforting. Mom insisted that I feed lil’ man at the 2:30 a.m. slot but I refused, agreeing to get back up if it was needed. I wanted to get back to my dream of my father driving a Ford Bronco off a road and on to the tracks of a roller coaster, missing and getting stuck in the mud, in Boston – whatever. Fortunately, for me, lil’ man slept until 7:00 a.m. Mom started off the day as I lay in bed, spent from lugging sod, albeit with mom’s help – who is also tired. She headed off to work as I was still waking up; lil’ man was cooing and wide-awake.

The sod broke me. Everything aches and I am suffering from a chronic headache, presumably dehydration. Lil’ man got the best I could give today. Mom got the leftovers, which was not much. I took lil’ man outside for some sunlight and fresh air. He sat in his Bumbo chair, taking in the sights, sounds and smells. At the 1:00 p.m. changing, I noticed blood in his diaper. In a (calm) panic, I set out to find out the source. On closer inspection, I saw that he had developed a blister on his bum and it had bled into the diaper. Nothing to worry about but something that needed to be cleaned and addressed. Plenty of ‘Butt Paste’ and a fresh diaper were applied and mom was notified. We will have to keep an eye on that sort of thing. Later, for the 4:00 p.m. free time, I lay him in the bed and left to water the sod. After a few minutes I began to worry something might be wrong. I checked in on him to find he had wrapped a thick blanket around his face and he was suffocating. I slowly removed the blanket, restored calm and received a hearty round of TSO’s; he was very grateful indeed. I was feeling like a worthless caretaker. Beaten from the early hard labor and then the damages to our child, I was whipped. Mom got home from work, dinner prepared and I zombified out for the remainder of the night. I went to bed at 9:00 p.m., leaving a frustrated and confused mom behind. Our normal games of the night would have to wait for a better day. I was simply spent, exhausted, sore and disenchanted with my performance for the day.

Day 21

I woke for a 5:30 a.m. re-binky. At 7:00 a.m. he required a change and food. Lil’ man is going back to sleep willingly. A few TSO’s and I knew he is doing okay. Now dad is enjoying a relaxed cup of coffee, the smells and sounds of our early spring days and a little peace and quite.

I lay back down in bed with my lovely wife, around 8:00 a.m. She got up shortly after and took to daily chores. I slept. I slept good. I slept in until noon…I was pooped. In that time, she had already done: laundry, vacuuming and other needed things around the house. I made us a quick brunch sandwich, as she handled the rearing tasks. She basically set me free to begin the process of cleaning up all of my messes from the household improvements and repairs – a large task. Around 3:00 p.m., she asked about laying sod in our mud pit area of the yard. She reluctantly called and found that the local home improvement store did have what we needed. So, off to the store I headed for 80 sheets of heavy sod. Together we unloaded the material and lay it out in our backyard. This needed to be done; we are both exhausted with the amount of mud cleanup we have performed in the past few weeks, each and every day. Some neighborhood friends were out walking and stopped to say hello. Mom got a chance to show off our son, compare him to their 14-month old boy and dad got a chance to talk sod with a friend. They left and we finished up our yard work. Once finished, mom and I talked about what we had done this weekend and neither of us could actually recall what we had done. We were in bed by 10:00 p.m.

Day 20

Things are certainly better with mom at home. With a more natural order of things restored, lil’ man slept until 4:30 a.m. He only required a quick feeding and then immediately back to sleep. Dad could not be happier! By 8:00 a.m.  he was still soundly asleep in his crib. Not a peep has been made. I am reluctant, but hopeful, to believe we are rounding the bend of the late nights and that we will soon be able to enjoy a more enjoyable growth progression with our son. It could not have happened too soon. The lack of sleep has taken a toll on mom and dad. This is our first weekend back together as a family. Neither mom nor dad has made any plans for the weekend. It would seem we would have already had something in mind, but we have both been simply struggling to greet the weekend.

The long night was only a dream…or a lack of dad waking for the sessions. Mom handled a midnight, 1:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. maintenance; dad slept soundly, until 4:30 a.m. Mom woke for the morning feeding and then handled the rest of the day. Dad, in a stupor, milled about until he was called to action and sent shopping for groceries. The checker girl at the local grocer asked about our progress with sleep; from the bags under my eyes she already knew the answer. She suggested moving to solid foods at 4-months; that is what she had done with her child. The thicker food will help keep the stomach fuller, longer and make for a longer night’s sleep, she said. The butcher-block boy complained about how he had been up since 7:00 a.m. and then off to work at 10:00 a.m.; what a terrible day for him. I have little or no sympathy left to share. A friend of mine, with newborn twins, summed it up very well – “I no longer have time for stupid people or questions”. We concluded our day with a nicely cooked steak dinner, a bit of a celebration of having everyone home again. I did some work on our backyard; fighting off the extended mud season we have had this year. Mom played with our son, getting reacquainted by having him try on several hats we had received. He has already grown so much that the baby hats no longer fit. It was cute to see her parade him about with the various hats. He did not seem to enjoy participating in the fashion show. Visitor requests popped up and now we are already looking at having three sets of out-of-town visitors in the following weeks plus, our first out-of-town trip as a family for lil’ man’s baptism; we will have it performed at mom’s family church. Later, mom and I passively watched some television, as lil’ man slept. We talked about how she feels lil’ man is a little more lethargic than prior to her leaving. Our pediatrician had told us to expect a slowing down in the 4^th month and it looks like she knows what to expect. Lil’ man is simply learning to control himself a little better and he is maybe getting to a more stable (mental and physical) state. I too have had some concerns but chalk it up to parental paranoia. The change from flailing arms and legs to a more composed little boy is upsetting us as it signals the fast maturation of our new child – the changes happen in a blink. She handled the late feeding and mom and I began our nightly routine. Somehow we managed to stay awake until almost midnight. It was exciting and good to have her home again.

Day 19

I (we) may all well have slept through the night. If there was stirring, I slept right through it all. I heard lil’ man make some noise at 4:00 a.m. so I got up to feed him. He went immediately back to sleep. I suspect he is exhausted from yesterday’s events. I stayed awake and made the morning coffee / fresh water for the dogs / clean baby bottles / fresh formula….

Dad too got a little extra sleep. When mom addressed the 7:00 a.m. feeding, he slept. Lil’ man slept off early a.m. jitters and woke up again at 10:00 a.m. He was groggy and simply wanted to eat. There was not much play time or actual interaction; he lay back down to sleep after his feeding. It was much needed. At 1:00 p.m., we had some tummy time, intermixed with toy stimulation. He was intrigued with a floppy toy that had a mirror on it. The interaction was good at first but lil’ man quickly expressed anxiety at the newness of everything I was presenting to him. After putting things away, he fell asleep immediately. The 4:00 p.m. feeding ended when lil’ man slapped the bottle away from himself. The bottle landed solidly on the floor. Mom had a similar experience at the 7:00 p.m. feeding. It appears our son is gaining in his strength. Mom and dad got to watch a movie, uninterrupted; we went to bed at 10:30 p.m. and fell fast asleep.

Day 18

I woke at 1:00 a.m. to a needy baby. A quick pacifier replacement solved the crying until 1:30 a.m., when a re-swaddle was needed. I woke again at 3:00 to a hungry baby. I fed him, a session lasting almost 45 minutes. I was whipped. I managed to get a few minutes of sleep but woke up again for my usual 5:00 a.m. coffee making rounds. Mom got up shortly after; we talked a bit but I was not feeling like conversation. She left for work and things progressed as normal.

At the (new modified time schedule) 10:00 a.m. feeding, lil’ man actually held the bottle for a short time; he is beginning to make coordinated hand movements! Afterwards, I made a call to some elderly old neighbors we had not seen in a while. They were up for a visit and lil’ man and I headed out to see them all. First stop was to Ms. Barbara – my old landlady. She only had a few minutes but she enjoyed seeing him, only the second time since he was born. We parted ways and I headed down the alley to see if some other old friends were around; they happened to be in their yard. We approached and found they were doing considerable landscape work, but we were invited in immediately. The lady of the house asked to hold lil’ man right away, whisked him off to a sitting area and sat overseeing the yard. I caught up with the man of the house a bit and, as usual, he imparted a bit of senior advice to me on several topics of interest. Their yard is comparable to a botanical garden and I used to visit it frequently with my puppy. We would chat and let the dogs all play together. I was an old fixture in that neighborhood and I had apparently been missed. We were extended a future invitation to visit at-will and then we headed out to see if an old librarian, in that area, was at work – Esther, an Irish librarian who had helped me through some difficult times. She was not there that day but we were invited back to story-time for children on Wednesday’s.  Exhausted, we headed home and I put lil’ man down, after a quick snack. I fell asleep. I am not sure when exactly when I lost consciousness but I awoke at 5:00 p.m. to a happy, contented baby boy who was simply looking about the room in comfort. Mom had texted she was on her way home from work. As a belated birthday gift, she offered to take us all out to a local Mexican ‘Seafood Shack’, where a mariachi band played on Thursdays. We arrived a ½ hour before the band began to play and enjoyed our meals. The band began to play and mom and I both watched in excitement as our lil’ man was introduced to (classic Mexican) live music. He watched in awe, although he occasionally gave me a look that said he was not too impressed or happy that he was still awake – it was past his usual naptime and the daily routine had been completely altered. We stayed for a few songs and then headed home. Mom addressed lil’ man’s needs and then mom and I had a few moments on the couch of together time. She said that this was the first day, since she had returned from her travels, that I was near normal. She was right, I had been exhausted by the continuous baby care, missed birthday due to the death of a family member and the absence of my wife. Today, after the nap, I was finally getting back to feeling some recovery and a little more like my self. I went to bed at 9:00 p.m. Mom followed quickly after.

Day 17

Lil’ man slept from 9:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. It appears the 1:00 a.m. touch-up is no longer necessary…again. Yay!!! Mom pushed me out of bed to feed at 3:00 a.m. and I really could not go back to sleep. We are trying to extend the 6:00 a.m. feeding to 7:00 a.m. today so mom can spend a little more quality time with him, before she leaves for work. So far, it is working out.

Today was a rest and recovery day. I simply performed the functions needed, at the required times. I was zombified. I gave no thought to advanced teaching and simply made sure our lil’ man was provided for. I went to bed at 7:30.

Day 16

I only know that he woke at 3:00 a.m. Mom pleaded with me to perform the service but I was incoherent; she would have to handle this round. I will make it up to her later. Dad needed to catch back up on some sleep. At 6:00 a.m., mom was still groggy from the early a.m. feeding and-so I handled this round. Mom slept. He ate a little but then was ready to go back to sleep. When I swaddled him he did not fuss, wrestle or complain – lil’ man was ready to get back to sleep. Dad made coffee and let his family enjoy a little quite time.

Today we started practicing sign language. He is still too young to control his arms and hands but it looks like he is picking up the idea. For the 9:00 a.m. feeding, I signed ‘milk’ and ‘more’, along with a few other signs I have already forgotten. He appeared to sign back, although in broad stokes and waving arms. It will still be a little bit before he is really ready to use it. We headed out around 11:00 to visit Grandma C. I dressed him up in overalls that were green; it is St. Patrick’s day. Grandma C welcomed him and set to feeding him right away. Lil’ man’s attention was taken away by the small dogs at my parent’s house. He gazed at them, fascinated by their small size and activities. He reluctantly ate his meal and then went back to starring at the ceiling fan. My mom and I joked that maybe he will design a better fan or possible be a pilot one-day, due to the amount of time he spends looking at the fans. We concluded our visit with Grandma C getting a round of big smiles from him by picking up his feet and dropping them repeatedly. We were a little later than expected in getting home so I let him sleep until 4:00 p.m. A quick feeding (which included a sneeze from me, causing the bottle to smack him in the face and a round of solid cries) and it was time for crib time. I lay him down and he entertained himself until about 5:30 p.m. By that time, he was fussing and looking around in desperation. A quick look from him told me he wanted to be swaddled and tucked in to bed. I picked him up and performed the routine. He fell asleep immediately. He stayed that way until 7:00 p.m. and mom took over from that point forward. I went to bed at 8:00 p.m.

Day 15 –

Lil’ man woke at 3:00 a.m. and mom handled the feeding. As expected he woke also for the 6:00 a.m. feeding. Again, mom took charge. Dad is relieved. Mom spent some time with our son, past the normal ‘back to sleep’ schedule and it was wonderful to see everyone back together again.

Today was car repair day. Our family car made a strange noise this morning and it had also been prompting us for scheduled maintenance. Although sitting with our lil’ man while waiting for services to be performed on the vehicle did not exactly sound like a winning idea, we headed out for repairs. Fortunately, the repair shop had a “children’s” room where we could sit quietly. I warned the service specialist that we had three hours before a meltdown would occur. It took exactly three hours. The first hour I fed lil’ man, the next hour I sang “Rock-a-bye baby” to him and the last hour he slept. At the three hour mark, he began to stir, the car was reported to be finished and we rushed out of there to the tune of ‘waaahhhhh’. We just made it, without upsetting anyone else who had the misfortune to spend their day waiting for repairs. Having had a couple of big days, back-to-back, (the airport, the service shop) I fed our son at noon and let him have some free time in the crib. He stirred, occasionally cried but in general, he enjoyed the safety of his bed. The 3:00 p.m. feeding happened as expected and I again decided it was best to let him have free time. He began to get upset by 5:00 p.m. and he gave me a look that said to me “please swaddle me up and put me to bed”; I obliged and he fell asleep immediately. He slept until mom got home at 7:00 p.m. We both played with lil’ man, after the feeding. Mom suggested trying out the Bumbo chair – a chair designed to help infants sit up. We did and he sat like a king in a recliner. We were both so very proud. As the feeding/sleeping schedule had been pushed back some, we decided to let him sleep. We caught up from her travels and discussed the meaning of life and what happens after death; she is upset about losing her grandfather. Having a scientist’s perspective, I could not offer her much comfort but she knew that when she married me saying I resemble the main character in the show ‘Doc Martin’ and also the main character ‘Sheldon’ in ‘The Big Bang Theory'. I guess she finds some comfort in my consistency at least. I suggested we try to celebrate the life he lived and not worry about the after part for now. We discussed a curious story about a boy who claims to be reincarnated and who had a story that was difficult to dispute. Death is still a great mystery but we have, as a society, come up with many routes to find some explanation of the next journey and possibly comfort in the passing of life. She finally lay down to sleep, exhausted from her travels and emotional ordeal.

Day 14 –

Last night went pretty well! I am pretty sure lil’ man slept from 10:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. It could be that I slept through the 1:00 a.m. touch-up (or maybe I just don’t remember doing it) but that is a pretty good run. At 3:00 a.m. he required a bit of food. At 6:00 a.m. he ate nine ounces – three ounces more than normal. Mom called and let me know her flight was cancelled and she will now be getting home after dinnertime tonight. Not a big deal except that the entire day of care again falls on my shoulders and (when she gets home) we will not have much alone time before the workweek starts again. My older brother plans to visit today and I may see if my parents would like to visit around noon – they had planned on making us dinner tonight. More coffee, more coffee, more coffee.

There is light at the end of this marathon, baby watching session…or is there. Mom was scheduled to come home at noontime; her flight was canceled. Fortunately, she was able to get a later flight on the same day. This change was devastating to me. I had planned on having her home and getting some down time and then dinner with my parents. The flight change set the stage for a rushed pickup and quick goodnight. My stress levels went through the roof. My parents came (instead) for a light lunch and to let grandpa J. have some time with lil’ man. My stresses were evident to my parents as I drank more coffee at lunchtime. They knew well, I was due for a break. They left and we readied ourselves to pick up mom at the airport. We met her at the gate, mom with tears in her eyes. She had missed him / us very much and so had we. We came home and mom spent some time reacquainting with our son; it was wonderful to watch. Mom revealed some wonderful birthday gifts she picked up for me – white golf pants and golf shoes –maybe I can finally win a round! Off to bed now for all of us, it was 9:00 p.m.

Day 13

Today is my birthday. The first present of the day was a midnight wakeup call from lil’ man. I tended to him and he went back to sleep. At 1:30 a.m., he woke again. This time, I decided I would not address him. I waited and he did calm himself back to sleep after about 30 minutes; we may be getting somewhere with the no-sleep nights. This would be the best present ever! He woke at 3:00 a.m. and required food but he went back to sleep, without issue. I woke at 5:45 a.m. – I had slept in! At 6:00 a.m. he was ready for another meal. He went back to sleep, after a bit of babbling. My mom is coming today and bringing a birthday breakfast. I am looking forward to the visit and possibly a chance to have a few minutes of alone time, with her keeping watch.

My mother came over for the 9:00 a.m. feeding and asked if she could have the honor of performing the feeding. I happily obliged. She brought several birthday goodies for me to enjoy: a very nice card, brownies, a favorite breakfast item and, most importantly – a replacement Danish for the one previously consumed by the dog. It is shaping up to be a nice day. She offered to watch lil’ man so I could go do some quick shopping. After a quick trip to the store, my nerves were frayed from the anxiety of our son being left alone. He was, of course, just fine. As a matter of fact, he had not made a sound and my mother did not have to do anything. She stayed on for the noon feeding and again performed the duty. With her being there, it opened up the opportunity for me to do some more work on a deck railing project that needed to be completed; plus it gave me a bit of time for a birthday beer! She left after he went back down to sleep. It is worth noting, early on in our conversations, she mentioned how much harder this must be for me than it was for her. My first child came when I was already twice her age of when she had her first. She is right. Although I am youthful for my age, it is a challenge to find the energy each day. One look at our son though and it really does not matter; he is worth it. The evening feedings went well. Lil’ man was tired from grandma’s visit. At the 9:00 p.m. feeding he lay awake for about a half-hour, releasing farts that sounded like those from a grown man.

Day 12 -

I have been awakened, every ½ hour, since 12:30 a.m. this morning. It was so bad that our trusty, opportunistic, bed-hog dogs resigned to the fact that not even they would find comfort lying in our big bed. I am unsure of the reasons for the discomfort but at 3:45 a.m. I finally decided to give up; lil’ man will have to cry it out. And he did, for another one hour and fifteen minutes. I got up at the regular 5:00 a.m. spot and replaced the Binky; all calm was again restored. The 6:00 a.m. feeding was a passively eaten meal – he had been fed, changed and re-Binky’d all through the night. It is my guess that he is missing mom’s gentle touch; she normally carries out the evening touch-ups. Now it is time for a large pot of coffee.

Mom called early this morning and we spoke about how things were going, on both ends. Her family was grieving but they were receiving a lot of support from friends. She was already exhausted, with the funeral still to come today. She asked about our son and I lied, everything was going great…no problems. I did not want to worry her about anything past what she was already dealing with in her family. As expected, our lil’ man was tired for the 9:00 a.m. feeding; he went back to sleep almost immediately. At the noon feeding, I noticed what I interpreted as physical anxiety. Lil’ man repeatedly swung his arms up and down, hitting his legs and face. I suspected he is beginning to have enough strength to begin some physical play and is frustrated with simply laying and being held. I lay him on our bed, tummy side, and waited for the results. He has already shown he can roll over but that is the greatest accomplishment to-date. He lay there, crying, without attempting to roll over. Maybe my guess was wrong. I picked him up and back to bed he went. At the 3:00 feeding, I woke him and was greeted with a great smile; something good had happened. I held him in my lap, by the waist and noticed he was leaning backwards, beyond the support of my hands. Normally, he would be stuck in this position but Lil’ man righted himself and continued on exploring the room with his eyes – he was exercising his back! He remained calm through the moment and I lay him back down for rest. This is my cue to continue with the physical aspects of rearing and growth. The rest of the day expired in relative calm. Things had gone so well, I had forgotten about my sleepless night and stayed up a little later than normal to catch a television show. I was in bed by 10:00 p.m.

Day 11 –

Last night was brutal. At 1:30 I woke up to find little man waving his arms in an inconsolable fit. I changed the diaper, I think I fed him (I truly cannot remember) and redid the swaddle and placed him back down. At 3:00 a.m., he awoke again and needed more tending. At 3:30 a.m. he had worked himself up again and eventually ate a full meal. At 5:00 a.m., he was back at it so I again tended to him. The 6:00 a.m. feeding revealed the likely source of the earlier discomforts lil’ man was experiencing; he had completely soiled his diaper. I am beginning to see that the difficulty of a newborn is not really their 3-hours schedule. The problem is for the parents who are trained on a 4-hour schedule and who’s ramp-up / comedown time is longer, making naps and regular sleep nearly impossible. By 6:30 a.m. and a ½ pot of coffee later, I feel as though I can barely recall my own name.

This morning we headed out again for a little more shopping. At each store, we met with more admirers and friendly faces; our trip went well. We got home and the regular feedings were administered, without much issue. I recall reading somewhere that there is a theory that children can see ghosts, saying that they have not yet dismissed them and they can see what adults can no longer see or acknowledge. Having had one ghostly experience in my lifetime, I have had interest in this topic. After the noon feeding and putting back down, our son began staring, wide-eyed and panicked at something just over my shoulder. Seeing his expression told me that something was not right with the room and I began to think maybe it was one of our ghostly friends. While still singing to him, I waved my hand over my shoulder, pushing away whatever was there that was disturbing to him. He smiled, broadly and immediately snuggled in for his nap. Maybe there is something to the theory.

Day 10 –

At 1:00 a.m. I was awaken by a loud cry; lil’ man was hungry. Mom had coached me on this routine, but in my half-awake stupor, I forgot to actually feed him. At 1:45, I was awaked again by another round of loud cries. This time I remembered the a.m. routine – he needed food. A 45-minute feeding put me back into bed around 3:00 a.m. Normally I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and begin preparing for the day. On the day that we had an early flight to catch, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. We rushed to get things together and focused on catching the plane. Mom fed our son, while we drove, and we managed to make it in time for the flight. A quick kiss goodbye (I was still in pajamas) and mom was off to see her family. Lil’ man went back to sleep at home and stayed still until the next feeding.

The rush of the morning left Lil’ Man groggy. We went back home and he slept solidly until the 9:00 a.m. feeding. Afterwards, I took him back to the hardware store for supplies needed to improve our house’s readiness for the coming toddler. At the store, he was very patient and even engaged a few of the employees; smiles and bashfulness abounded and we finished our trip in calm. Back at home, I began (and completed) the childproofing project, with our son sitting in his car seat and supervising my work. The next project was cleaning up the mess and then cleaning our muddy floors, from all of the recent rain and snow we have had. The noon feeding went well and-so did the following play time. This was beginning to look easy. I received several phone calls, from concerned grandparents and friends who were checking up on our progress. I also heard from Mom and found that her travel was unimpeded. Things were going well. After the 3:00 p.m. feeding, I placed him is his rocker chair and attached the light bar that was included with the chair. Up to this point, he had never expressed interest in it but that changed today. After a solid hour of flashing lights, music and reaching for the hanging toys I put lil’ man back down. I grabbed a bachelor’s late lunch / early dinner (pizza and a beer) and readied for the 6:00 p.m. and then the 9:00 p.m. feeding. I was tired but things were working out. I went to bed at 10:00 p.m.

Day nine –

At 1:30 a.m. I rushed to the side of a very uncomfortable baby boy. He was hungry, wet and letting the world know something shall be done about it. I performed a quick change, replaced him in his rocker-chair and then fed him. This feeding while in the chair routine worked so well yesterday that I have carried on with it. It seems to work quite well. He went immediately back to sleep. Mom got up for a Binky check-and-replace at 4:00 a.m. He was awakened by mom at 6:00 a.m. for the feeding, Binky still in-place, and went right back to sleep.

Mom went back to work, as we waited to hear back from the family with funeral arrangements. After the morning feeding, we headed out to find shoes for mom’s trip and then on to visit with Grandma C. Shopping with a newborn is a challenge unto itself. We found a convenience shopping center and tried several stores for some appropriate winter formal wear for mom. As we perused the women’s shoe isles we were met with many strange looks by mothers with children of their own; I was happy to finish this adventure with a good pair of shoes for mom. We headed on to visit with grandma. We got to the grandparent’s house right at the noon feeding time. Lil’ man was restless and started to through a fit. Grandma C took to feeding him and eventually calmed him down. Exhausted, I explained to her what had happened and what the laid-out plans were – I will be managing our son for the next five days, solo. Wrap my birthday into that package and it makes for a long stretch of lonely father-infant/son time. Grandma offered to help, where needed, and even offered to let us stay with them for a few days. I declined but definitely have it as a backup option. She loaded us down with leftover food and we headed home for the 3:00 p.m. feeding, which went well. Lil’ man quickly slept and only woke for the 6:00 p.m. feeding, which mom had made it home for, just in time. Immediately after his feeding, he slept. The day’s adventure had worn him out. Mom and I talked about the trip for the funeral. She will be leaving early tomorrow and returning mid-day Sunday. By 8:00, I was exhausted. I went to bed and did not wake.

Day eight –

I have practically been awake since 1:00 a.m. Our son wrestled through the night, needing several checks and diaper changes. At 5:00 a.m. I heard a sound coming from the baby room that can only be compared to a garbage disposal waiting for refuse to consume – lil’ man was hungry. Despite a valiant half-hour of pacifying and singing, he refused to sleep. I grabbed a milk bottle and fed him where he lay. He then went back to sleep. The 6:00 a.m. feeding came quickly and I am already trying to decide how to get in a nap for the day.

After mom performed the 6:00 a.m. feeding, I lay back down in the bed. It was my plan to get the needed nap in, before the 9:00 a.m. feeding came due. As I tossed and turned, it looked like sleep was not going to happen right now. Then, a phone call came in. I missed it but got up to see what it was about. It was my wife; her grandfather had passed away. She was distraught and confused. I instructed her to call her boss and return home for the day, to collect her thoughts and to work through the emotions. She returned home. I made a few calls to her family members and expressed our sympathy – he will be missed. I called Oma Mamu and asked if she would like to come over for breakfast and to have someone to be with at this time. She also came to the house. Mother and daughter, reunited this day under sad circumstance, talked fondly of him as I made a light breakfast. The early feedings were handled by myself; the later ones by mom. I thought it would help her to take her mind off of things and it did help to calm her nerves. Oma Mamu had been planning on returning (already) this weekend to her summer home, which is in the same town as the extended family. She decided to leave a few days early to be with the family. Mom also began making plans to fly up for the weekend and pay her respects. This will leave my by myself, with lil’ man, for a few days…a daunting task, but a necessary one for our family. We all went out for a goodbye dinner and our lil’ man sat contented in his car seat, through the entire meal. It was a sad day and lil’ man seemed to know that this would not a day to give any grief to us; today we especially appreciated it.

Day seven –

It is possible that our son has finally slept through the night! A disoriented mom was addressing a fussy boy at 5:00 a.m. (I rescued her from the confusion) but that was the only wake-up call that I am aware of…there is hope for full-nights of sleep yet. Today is spring-forward – we are losing an hour of sleep. I suspect this will work to our advantage; Lil’ man has consistently been waking up a half hour early for feedings.

Although our son did sleep deeper into the night, he still awoke for the 1:00 a.m. Binky check. Early in the morning, I learned that my wife’s grandfather was growing increasingly weak and was expected to pass on soon – this will be an emotional kind of day. I managed the 6:00 a.m., 9:00 a.m. and 12:00 a.m. feedings and felt emotionless, as a zombie must, through each of the events. Mom took over the 9:00 a.m. playtime, getting a chance to enjoy our developing son. Mom left the house for necessaries around 11:00 a.m. After the 12:00 a.m. feeding, we had our tummy time. He is doing quite well rolling over and holding his head up, while on his belly. Mom helped him to practice some crawling and went off to prepare a quick lunch. Just before lunch was ready, our lil’ man lay down to sleep, without giving us much fuss. Dad was already done; a nap was absolutely necessary. I took to bed like a bee to a flower. I slept for two hours. By 5:00 p.m., there was a lot of fuss coming from the baby room. Our son was not happy with his day. Several rounds of singing left both mom and dad tired; we were becoming defeated. The 9:00 p.m. feeding went well and lil’ man lay down to sleep, without any fuss – he was finally tired. Mom made baby food for the next day and I (dad) was grateful for the advance preparations.

Day six –

This is the first weekend in this adventure. I am not sure if I get the weekend off or if I am going to be on-call, or if I simply carry on with our routine. So far, mom took care of a 1:30 a.m. Binky check and I handled a 4:00 a.m. fit and diaper change. At 7:00 a.m., our son has not awaked for his regular (6:00 a.m.) feeding and I am planning to see how long we can make it! We do have another party tonight, sadly, a going away party for Oma Mamu. She will soon be returning to her summer home and she will be missed.

Mom woke up around 7:30 as lil’ man began stirring. He did make it a bit longer than expected but now he was hungry. She took over the feeding and I set to task on a looming yard project that needed to be completed before we receive our spring showers; a small lake of water has been collecting at our front doorway and needed to be redirected. My day, today, consisted of digging up sticky, wet Caliche soil and laying down a drainpipe of 50+ feet; it was agonizingly physically demanding work. The job was finished around 3:00 p.m. Mom had not had much trouble with our son through the day and we began preparing for tonight’s going away party tonight. Our plan was to go to the party early, feed lil’ man and put him down to sleep, so-as not to take away from the purpose of the event, sending Oma Mamu off with style. So, off to grandma and grandpa’s house we went. Once there, we fed our son and there was some admiring by friends who were arriving to the party. He was laid down in a crib and nary a peep was heard until we gathered to leave at about 9:00 p.m. Before leaving, my father asked to see the baby – he had not been able to sneak away from the party to visit with him. Grandpa came into the room as lil’ man was waking up and I was quite proud to see him beaming with pride as he picked up his grandson. Watching him, I noticed some sense of his want to parade lil’ man around to his friends and so I suggested he do so. After giving him a few moments alone, with his friends and grandson, we entered the other room and found him smiling and bragging (already) about his new grandchild. It was a truly great feeling for me to see him enjoy that moment. We left the party, in a flash of smiles of goodbye hugs and kisses bestowed on our son. We got home, without incident, and performed the regular feeding (albeit delayed). Lil’ man went down to sleep and we were finished for the day. It was 10:30 p.m.

Day five –

Today mom is going back to work and I am on my own again. At 5:30 a.m., I have already performed one Binky check (1:30 a.m.), one diaper change/feeding (3:00 a.m.) and one touch-and-go (4:00 a.m.) and another at 4:30 a.m., the dogs have been let out, coffee made and baby food for the day has been started. Today I may well find a time to take a nap.

The 9:00 a.m. feeding went off on time, followed by some cooing and babbling from our lil’ man. Afterwards, I decided to watch some television but found that I could not really sit still long enough to enjoy any programming. I was restless, exhausted and disoriented. At noon, he woke slightly early and I attempted to settle him down without having any success. I noticed he was warm and a little sweaty. Panic started to set in, was he sick? I dressed him in long sleeve pajamas and took him outside into the cool days we are still having. He did calm down and I noticed he took several very deep breaths. It seems that having been cooped up in the house and possibly the dust from the dogs bringing in mud had started to get him congested. He warmed his toes in the sun and enjoyed the fresh air. Crisis adverted. I took him in to change and feed only to finally meet the end of a record that I had was quite proud of – I had not been peed on up to this very point. That all changed today, twice. The diaper was removed and then, surprise, a fountain of urine came streaming out, onto the baby, the wall, my arms. This was great news to my wife, who resented my ability to dodge this warm bath. My glorious streak ended. He continued to fuss, after the feeding but I wore him down with some tummy time. I had to take a nap now and I fell asleep without any issue. At 2:45 I was awoken from a dream about feeding babies; he was on time to wake for the feeding. Although I was disoriented, things progressed normally except for a clogged bottle top that kept food from being received. Once cleared, he was so tired from the day that he practically fell right back asleep. I think we are developing a working routine – 9:00 a.m. feed and talk, 12:00 a.m. feed and tummy time / exercise, 3:00 p.m. individual free time / crib time. I did some more vacuuming and yard work, and began preparing the meal for when my wife came home from work. Tonight we had plans! A friend had a birthday celebration at a local pub. At 5:30, a new game developed. Lil’ man awoke early and I walked in and playfully scolded him to go back to sleep. He smiled and snuggled back in. This carried on for the next 30 minutes – I leave the room, he cries, I return and scold, he smiles and again I leave the room, ect…. Mom returned from work and we quickly ate our meals with some background complaining from the baby room. We fed lil’ man, packed the needed supplies and headed to Oma Mamu’s to let her tend to him while we went out. On dropping him off, Oma Mamu commented on the importance of myself getting in conversation with adults, through the days ahead. Apparently, I am behaving more erratic and excitable than normal and it is showing. I agreed and decided to plan on a weekly visit to my parents, who live in town. With the baby asleep, we departed. The night went well, with friend’s asking how things were proceeding for us. A fellow, who also had stayed home with his infant, relished in my story of the feeding dream – he had also dreams like that in his experience as a stay-at-home dad. He understood the lack of conversation point and stated that after three months, he was insane within himself, that he loved his daughter but that he could no longer stand to stay at home. He made a great suggestion to find a local at-home dad group, something I intend to do. It is good to have a brother-in-arms, with some real-life experience, for this adventure. Also worn and frayed, mom chugged the last of my beer and we headed to pick up our lil’ man. We gave him a quick feed at Oma Mamu’s and both of us were surprised to find he slept through the stay, great! We got him home to bed and we followed shortly after. It was almost midnight.

Day four –

Snow day. Our weather pattern here is a random mix of events. 70 degrees one day, snow the next. This appears to be the last snowstorm of the year. Mom stayed home from work today – dad gets a break.

With mom home, I did the early shift. At 1:30 a.m., lil’ man awoke and needed a Binky to be replaced. Simple enough. I returned to bed until 5:00 and then awoke to prepare for the day. Mom got up at 7:00 a.m. and we had a chance for some morning conversation. I was spent from the manual labor of yesterday and mom quickly took charge of the day. She did laundry, dishes, cleaned…all while I was a worthless pile of human wreckage on the sofa. The snow fell to about 7” in depth. Normally, I would go out into the snow and play a bit while it lasted. Today, I just remained on the sofa and let the world go on around me. Again, mom asked for help with the cloth diaper experiment and I obliged to show her my technique in changing the diaper. While changing it, it noticed something unusual about the situation. Closer investigation showed our son was peeing on his face. One of our friend’s has a 1-year-old son who seems to be perfectly mannered and well behaved. We talked with her about how she has been raising him and she casually mentioned that her son has peed in his own mouth several times. I said, “Well, if that is what it takes to have such a well behaved son, I hope ours does just the same!”, little did I know that it would be happening on my diaper change shift. As it may be an awful thing, mom and I both had a solid laugh. We cleaned him up and Mom continued to take charge of our son for the remainder of the day. I performed the 9:00 p.m. feeding, as mom lay on the sofa, spent and emotionless. We both went to bed at 9:30 p.m.

Day three –

This morning was a refreshing one for me. Mom is staying home longer than usual today and-so took over the early a.m. touch-ups with our son. The 1:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. dressings were handled by her – I took advantage of the extra sleep.  The 6:00 a.m. feeding was handled by myself and I was greeted by a round of smiles and tongue sticking-outings (hereby scientifically called TSO’s from this point forward). The TSO’s, we have found, are the most valuable tool in communicating with our son up to now. Sticking out of tongue once = hello; sticking out of tongue twice = happy; sticking out of tongue three times = very happy. Our pre-parental research found that a newborn is able to stick out their tongue, with purpose, at a very early stage of development. These TSO’s are the only form of validation we (ourselves) know of that a newborn is truly capable of routinely offering to their parents… and they are absolutely priceless to us.

Mom set out on her shortened workday and things progressed nicely at home. Our 12:00 feeding was followed by a half-hour of tummy-time. Short videos were sent to mom to enjoy. Our son rolled over on his own and then stared at the wall for 15 minutes, cooing the entire time. It was time to return him to the crib. Oma Mamu later called to ask if there was anything we needed from the store; a snowstorm was brewing and she realized it would be difficult for us to fetch any items from the grocer. I gave her a short list of items we needed and she delivered them to the house around 1:00.  A little fuss from the noises, our little man awoke but soon went back to sleep. On mom’s return, she continued with our cloth diaper experiment at the 3:00 change and asked for my assistance in applying the diaper. She handled the task well and, as instructed left the diaper in the bathroom sink while she finished out the change. One bit of instruction that I failed to mention was to close the bathroom door off to the rest of the house, while the diaper was unattended. One of our dogs found the tasty treat she left alone and took charge of it in our living room. The dog, again, cleaned up the diaper for us – disgusting. The day finished nicely, having mom around to keep things calm and orderly. I took advantage of her presence and did some more landscaping work that was needed to keep a lake from forming at the front door of our home. The work was very taxing, digging a long trench in cold, rainy weather. I put on durable military fatigues I received from my brother and set out to do my manly work for the day. As the cold of the coming snowstorm set in and rain mixed with flakes of snow fell on my body, my fingers were frozen, my back was aching but the job was finished - we will no longer have a (frozen) lake to contend with at our front door. Time to come inside and have some wine and dinner with mom. I was in bed by 8:30.

My second day on the ‘job’ began at 1:00 a.m. – an unexpected morning feeding, followed by a 4:00 a.m. pacifier (Binky) check and replace. At 5:00 a.m., formula has been prepared for the day, dishes / bottles washed and sterilized, coffee made for mom and a 6:00 a.m. (mom) wakeup for her morning feeding slot has been completed. Now, time to enjoy a little coffee for myself.

Day two –

A colleague used a term that just about describes this day as closely as I can muster on my own – Zombie Feedings. It is not that the baby is a zombie but that the parent’s (my own) ability to function was limited to that of a zombie. The early a.m. feedings compromised my own sleep patterns and left me almost in a zombie like state for the entire day. The 9:00 a.m. feeding went as planned and a quick shopping trip to our nearby grocer was completed without incident – not that I could truly recall much of what happened at the store, only that we bought lots of coffee. After getting the baby down, my mother called to check in with us. A long conversation left me knowing well she is supportive of what we are doing and that she is happy we are actively dedicating such a major part of our lives to our son’s early development. She also left me knowing that help is available, when needed, and that we have an open invitation to visit the grandparent’s house. I did have one request of her: I asked that we could come visit and maybe make a replacement Danish for the one lost yesterday! Later, we had an unexpected visitor from a family friend, who respectfully showed up just after the noon feeding had been completed; father of a 3-year-old, he is familiar with the routines of a newborn. We enjoyed the company and he held our boy for the duration of his visit, admiring his looks – those of his mother at this point. We had quick discussions of a future (second) baby for his family, something he is loathe to at this point but he seems to have some interest judging by the way he looked at and played with our baby and we talked about how things were progressing for our own family. The cooperatively active baby window slowly began to close and our guest went on his way for the day. As I had time, with the baby now resting again, I decided to begin a movie and try to relax. For whatever reason, the movie was stubborn to play and caused me great stress in attempting to get it to function properly. I never did finish watching this movie. Cars again lined the street, from yesterday’s unfortunate events at our neighbor’s, causing our dogs to throw random fits of barking. Then a firestorm erupted from the baby room. 2:15 – baby goes nuclear. For a solid 45 minutes, our son was inconsolable. Presumably, the grand events of the past days had taken their tolls. No tool we had developed to this point (singing rock-a-bye baby, playing itsy-bitsy spider, shushing, cradling, rocking, feeding, changing, singing of the Florida State University war chant…) worked to calm him. I sadly resigned to let him work it out. As tears streamed down his face, I was left only to hold him and painfully watch his suffering and agony. At 3:15, it finally ended. Like the conclusion of a violent storm, followed by a beautiful rainbow and clear skies, all was well again in the world. We finished the routine feeding and carried on with our day. After evening dinner with mom, I was practically incoherent, incompetent and erratic. She put me to bed at 8:30 p.m.