Day 24

 I finally have convinced mom that lil’ man does not need to eat through the night and we are starting to see improvements. He slept until 2:30 a.m., needing a re-swaddle and then woke again at 5:30 a.m. for a Binky check; things are getting better. I got up to make morning coffee, with a sense that things are going to start getting better.

Today mom left for work with a fresh smile and laugh. I too was feeling better and whatever had happened, we both needed it badly. The plan for the day was to drop off a birthday quiche to an friend of ours and then head up to Grandma C’s house to visit for a bit; we had planned on the usual Tuesday meeting but she was not feeling well yesterday. We headed out to visit the birthday girl and she was excited to meet us quickly at the door. I was thinking I would be simply dropping off the present but we were invited in and offered coffee. Our hostess asked to hold lil’ man and I happily obliged. About an hour later, we finally wrapped up our visit – it lasted far longer than expected. There was another stop in the area I thought to make today too – a quick introduction of lil’ man to a friendly librarian that had helped me in the past. We made the stop and Esther was thrilled to see me again and to meet lil’ man. She immediately went to hold him and hugged him like no other – she has never had children of her own. She paraded him around the library, showing him off to all of her co-workers and then introduced us to the children’s room librarian. We concluded our visit and it was off to Grandma C’s house. The trip had already been more than planned. Once we arrived, lil’ man was already expressing his discomfort with all of the action of the day. It was feeding time but he was not overly interested in anything more than sleep. I managed to calm him and grandma C got a chance to feed him in quite. She was able to play with him for a bit and then we lay him down to rest. He went immediately to sleep, without any fuss. I stayed and visited for a bit and then, car loaded, grandpa J came home from work. He, of course, wanted to visit with his grandson too. I took lil’ man back out of the car and unbuckled him from his chair; we all sat in the front yard of the house. Lil’ man was not happy. I think he may have felt mislead…home being so close on the horizon. He fussed while grandpa tried to admire and play with him, but lil’ man wanted nothing to do with it. So, I reluctantly loaded him back up and we drove off, screaming baby in the backseat. He woke occasionally, just when the car was stopped; he definitely wanted to get home to his usual spot. We got home and I placed him to bed immediately. There was not complaint. Mom got home and I gave her the story of our day. She was impressed with all of the stops and travel. We ate a quite meal and concluded our day. We went to bed at 10:00 p.m.

Day 23

I woke at 1:30 a.m. to re-swaddle lil’ man. My back cracked in series of pops as I stood up from bed. He put up quite the fuss but I was able to calm him and lay him back down to sleep. It seems he was down until mom woke him for the early a.m. feeding. I think he is about as tired as I feel now. Mom readied for the day, as I lay in bed unable to move. She clearly is having a hard time understanding the depth of my exhaustion and growing depression – this is much harder than I originally thought.

Tuesday’s have had a pre-set plan to visit Grandma C. She called early in the morning and said that she was not feeling well enough to visit today. That led to a general conversation of things and an outlet for my frustrations was opened, some frustration relieved. Without a planned trip for the day, I opted to visit an old walking / jogging trail that was nearby where we used to live. I loaded up the car with the necessary equipment, nearly filling my car to capacity. We headed off to the trail, without incident. We paid a visit to the trailhead office, where I used to work and have a few friends. The girls there doted on lil’ man and we kept our visit short. A nice springtime walk of about a mile, ended with seeing some other people I knew from my trail days; they were all happy to see me and impressed with our son. One person, whom I did not know, edged his way into the conversation and said “you know that glow you have, that strange happiness inside you…you just have to look at your son to know where it is coming from because your son has it too”! – damned new-age voodoo people. I did appreciate the compliment, although it was strange, and a little uncomfortable to hear from this person I did not know. We loaded up the car and headed home. Lil’ man’s schedule was in disarray; we had missed nearly every scheduled feeding but he was contented. I lay him down when we returned but he struggled to communicate something to me – hungry! I could have sworn that he said the word. I said, “hungry?” and she seemed to nod his head in approval. I fed him a quick bottle. Satisfied, he went right to sleep. He woke and slept in a confused state for a few hours until I finally wrapped him proper and lay him down at 5:00 p.m. Mom came home around 7:00 p.m. and she immediately went to check on him and feed him. Our dinner that night ended with conversation on how things were going for me. She was concerned that I was unhappy and that this was not working out the way we had planned – another outlet for my frustrations. I explained my position and told her about my troubles but that things were not terrible enough to stop what we are currently doing – today was actually a good day wife! As she spoke, I then realized the toll that has she has been paying for this routine – she is tired too and simply misses her child during the day. It warmed my heart and the world showed me what I needed to see this day. My ‘complaints’ from the past few days were simply that I was physically exhausted from the manual labor of moving sod. Yes, there are concerns about how things will play-out after the end of our planned stay-at-home dad experiment and I am suffering from a bit of depression, resigning to my new role in life, but there was something I had not considered, something more important than my own struggles; mom was depressed too. She did not even notice my missing, scraggly, beard that I had shaved off early in the day, which was something she complained about each and every day. We talked together in a way that married couples should and we both began to relax. We both found some relief (this day) in each other – as I suspect it should be. The night ended more happily than many before it, with mom leading the charge off to bed. I followed shortly after and we both fell quickly asleep. It was 10:30 p.m.

Day 22

I woke for a 12:30 p.m. and 2:30 a.m. comforting. Mom insisted that I feed lil’ man at the 2:30 a.m. slot but I refused, agreeing to get back up if it was needed. I wanted to get back to my dream of my father driving a Ford Bronco off a road and on to the tracks of a roller coaster, missing and getting stuck in the mud, in Boston – whatever. Fortunately, for me, lil’ man slept until 7:00 a.m. Mom started off the day as I lay in bed, spent from lugging sod, albeit with mom’s help – who is also tired. She headed off to work as I was still waking up; lil’ man was cooing and wide-awake.

The sod broke me. Everything aches and I am suffering from a chronic headache, presumably dehydration. Lil’ man got the best I could give today. Mom got the leftovers, which was not much. I took lil’ man outside for some sunlight and fresh air. He sat in his Bumbo chair, taking in the sights, sounds and smells. At the 1:00 p.m. changing, I noticed blood in his diaper. In a (calm) panic, I set out to find out the source. On closer inspection, I saw that he had developed a blister on his bum and it had bled into the diaper. Nothing to worry about but something that needed to be cleaned and addressed. Plenty of ‘Butt Paste’ and a fresh diaper were applied and mom was notified. We will have to keep an eye on that sort of thing. Later, for the 4:00 p.m. free time, I lay him in the bed and left to water the sod. After a few minutes I began to worry something might be wrong. I checked in on him to find he had wrapped a thick blanket around his face and he was suffocating. I slowly removed the blanket, restored calm and received a hearty round of TSO’s; he was very grateful indeed. I was feeling like a worthless caretaker. Beaten from the early hard labor and then the damages to our child, I was whipped. Mom got home from work, dinner prepared and I zombified out for the remainder of the night. I went to bed at 9:00 p.m., leaving a frustrated and confused mom behind. Our normal games of the night would have to wait for a better day. I was simply spent, exhausted, sore and disenchanted with my performance for the day.

Day 21

I woke for a 5:30 a.m. re-binky. At 7:00 a.m. he required a change and food. Lil’ man is going back to sleep willingly. A few TSO’s and I knew he is doing okay. Now dad is enjoying a relaxed cup of coffee, the smells and sounds of our early spring days and a little peace and quite.

I lay back down in bed with my lovely wife, around 8:00 a.m. She got up shortly after and took to daily chores. I slept. I slept good. I slept in until noon…I was pooped. In that time, she had already done: laundry, vacuuming and other needed things around the house. I made us a quick brunch sandwich, as she handled the rearing tasks. She basically set me free to begin the process of cleaning up all of my messes from the household improvements and repairs – a large task. Around 3:00 p.m., she asked about laying sod in our mud pit area of the yard. She reluctantly called and found that the local home improvement store did have what we needed. So, off to the store I headed for 80 sheets of heavy sod. Together we unloaded the material and lay it out in our backyard. This needed to be done; we are both exhausted with the amount of mud cleanup we have performed in the past few weeks, each and every day. Some neighborhood friends were out walking and stopped to say hello. Mom got a chance to show off our son, compare him to their 14-month old boy and dad got a chance to talk sod with a friend. They left and we finished up our yard work. Once finished, mom and I talked about what we had done this weekend and neither of us could actually recall what we had done. We were in bed by 10:00 p.m.

Day 20

Things are certainly better with mom at home. With a more natural order of things restored, lil’ man slept until 4:30 a.m. He only required a quick feeding and then immediately back to sleep. Dad could not be happier! By 8:00 a.m.  he was still soundly asleep in his crib. Not a peep has been made. I am reluctant, but hopeful, to believe we are rounding the bend of the late nights and that we will soon be able to enjoy a more enjoyable growth progression with our son. It could not have happened too soon. The lack of sleep has taken a toll on mom and dad. This is our first weekend back together as a family. Neither mom nor dad has made any plans for the weekend. It would seem we would have already had something in mind, but we have both been simply struggling to greet the weekend.

The long night was only a dream…or a lack of dad waking for the sessions. Mom handled a midnight, 1:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. maintenance; dad slept soundly, until 4:30 a.m. Mom woke for the morning feeding and then handled the rest of the day. Dad, in a stupor, milled about until he was called to action and sent shopping for groceries. The checker girl at the local grocer asked about our progress with sleep; from the bags under my eyes she already knew the answer. She suggested moving to solid foods at 4-months; that is what she had done with her child. The thicker food will help keep the stomach fuller, longer and make for a longer night’s sleep, she said. The butcher-block boy complained about how he had been up since 7:00 a.m. and then off to work at 10:00 a.m.; what a terrible day for him. I have little or no sympathy left to share. A friend of mine, with newborn twins, summed it up very well – “I no longer have time for stupid people or questions”. We concluded our day with a nicely cooked steak dinner, a bit of a celebration of having everyone home again. I did some work on our backyard; fighting off the extended mud season we have had this year. Mom played with our son, getting reacquainted by having him try on several hats we had received. He has already grown so much that the baby hats no longer fit. It was cute to see her parade him about with the various hats. He did not seem to enjoy participating in the fashion show. Visitor requests popped up and now we are already looking at having three sets of out-of-town visitors in the following weeks plus, our first out-of-town trip as a family for lil’ man’s baptism; we will have it performed at mom’s family church. Later, mom and I passively watched some television, as lil’ man slept. We talked about how she feels lil’ man is a little more lethargic than prior to her leaving. Our pediatrician had told us to expect a slowing down in the 4^th month and it looks like she knows what to expect. Lil’ man is simply learning to control himself a little better and he is maybe getting to a more stable (mental and physical) state. I too have had some concerns but chalk it up to parental paranoia. The change from flailing arms and legs to a more composed little boy is upsetting us as it signals the fast maturation of our new child – the changes happen in a blink. She handled the late feeding and mom and I began our nightly routine. Somehow we managed to stay awake until almost midnight. It was exciting and good to have her home again.

Day 19

I (we) may all well have slept through the night. If there was stirring, I slept right through it all. I heard lil’ man make some noise at 4:00 a.m. so I got up to feed him. He went immediately back to sleep. I suspect he is exhausted from yesterday’s events. I stayed awake and made the morning coffee / fresh water for the dogs / clean baby bottles / fresh formula….

Dad too got a little extra sleep. When mom addressed the 7:00 a.m. feeding, he slept. Lil’ man slept off early a.m. jitters and woke up again at 10:00 a.m. He was groggy and simply wanted to eat. There was not much play time or actual interaction; he lay back down to sleep after his feeding. It was much needed. At 1:00 p.m., we had some tummy time, intermixed with toy stimulation. He was intrigued with a floppy toy that had a mirror on it. The interaction was good at first but lil’ man quickly expressed anxiety at the newness of everything I was presenting to him. After putting things away, he fell asleep immediately. The 4:00 p.m. feeding ended when lil’ man slapped the bottle away from himself. The bottle landed solidly on the floor. Mom had a similar experience at the 7:00 p.m. feeding. It appears our son is gaining in his strength. Mom and dad got to watch a movie, uninterrupted; we went to bed at 10:30 p.m. and fell fast asleep.

Day 18

I woke at 1:00 a.m. to a needy baby. A quick pacifier replacement solved the crying until 1:30 a.m., when a re-swaddle was needed. I woke again at 3:00 to a hungry baby. I fed him, a session lasting almost 45 minutes. I was whipped. I managed to get a few minutes of sleep but woke up again for my usual 5:00 a.m. coffee making rounds. Mom got up shortly after; we talked a bit but I was not feeling like conversation. She left for work and things progressed as normal.

At the (new modified time schedule) 10:00 a.m. feeding, lil’ man actually held the bottle for a short time; he is beginning to make coordinated hand movements! Afterwards, I made a call to some elderly old neighbors we had not seen in a while. They were up for a visit and lil’ man and I headed out to see them all. First stop was to Ms. Barbara – my old landlady. She only had a few minutes but she enjoyed seeing him, only the second time since he was born. We parted ways and I headed down the alley to see if some other old friends were around; they happened to be in their yard. We approached and found they were doing considerable landscape work, but we were invited in immediately. The lady of the house asked to hold lil’ man right away, whisked him off to a sitting area and sat overseeing the yard. I caught up with the man of the house a bit and, as usual, he imparted a bit of senior advice to me on several topics of interest. Their yard is comparable to a botanical garden and I used to visit it frequently with my puppy. We would chat and let the dogs all play together. I was an old fixture in that neighborhood and I had apparently been missed. We were extended a future invitation to visit at-will and then we headed out to see if an old librarian, in that area, was at work – Esther, an Irish librarian who had helped me through some difficult times. She was not there that day but we were invited back to story-time for children on Wednesday’s.  Exhausted, we headed home and I put lil’ man down, after a quick snack. I fell asleep. I am not sure when exactly when I lost consciousness but I awoke at 5:00 p.m. to a happy, contented baby boy who was simply looking about the room in comfort. Mom had texted she was on her way home from work. As a belated birthday gift, she offered to take us all out to a local Mexican ‘Seafood Shack’, where a mariachi band played on Thursdays. We arrived a ½ hour before the band began to play and enjoyed our meals. The band began to play and mom and I both watched in excitement as our lil’ man was introduced to (classic Mexican) live music. He watched in awe, although he occasionally gave me a look that said he was not too impressed or happy that he was still awake – it was past his usual naptime and the daily routine had been completely altered. We stayed for a few songs and then headed home. Mom addressed lil’ man’s needs and then mom and I had a few moments on the couch of together time. She said that this was the first day, since she had returned from her travels, that I was near normal. She was right, I had been exhausted by the continuous baby care, missed birthday due to the death of a family member and the absence of my wife. Today, after the nap, I was finally getting back to feeling some recovery and a little more like my self. I went to bed at 9:00 p.m. Mom followed quickly after.

Day 17

Lil’ man slept from 9:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. It appears the 1:00 a.m. touch-up is no longer necessary…again. Yay!!! Mom pushed me out of bed to feed at 3:00 a.m. and I really could not go back to sleep. We are trying to extend the 6:00 a.m. feeding to 7:00 a.m. today so mom can spend a little more quality time with him, before she leaves for work. So far, it is working out.

Today was a rest and recovery day. I simply performed the functions needed, at the required times. I was zombified. I gave no thought to advanced teaching and simply made sure our lil’ man was provided for. I went to bed at 7:30.

Day 16

I only know that he woke at 3:00 a.m. Mom pleaded with me to perform the service but I was incoherent; she would have to handle this round. I will make it up to her later. Dad needed to catch back up on some sleep. At 6:00 a.m., mom was still groggy from the early a.m. feeding and-so I handled this round. Mom slept. He ate a little but then was ready to go back to sleep. When I swaddled him he did not fuss, wrestle or complain – lil’ man was ready to get back to sleep. Dad made coffee and let his family enjoy a little quite time.

Today we started practicing sign language. He is still too young to control his arms and hands but it looks like he is picking up the idea. For the 9:00 a.m. feeding, I signed ‘milk’ and ‘more’, along with a few other signs I have already forgotten. He appeared to sign back, although in broad stokes and waving arms. It will still be a little bit before he is really ready to use it. We headed out around 11:00 to visit Grandma C. I dressed him up in overalls that were green; it is St. Patrick’s day. Grandma C welcomed him and set to feeding him right away. Lil’ man’s attention was taken away by the small dogs at my parent’s house. He gazed at them, fascinated by their small size and activities. He reluctantly ate his meal and then went back to starring at the ceiling fan. My mom and I joked that maybe he will design a better fan or possible be a pilot one-day, due to the amount of time he spends looking at the fans. We concluded our visit with Grandma C getting a round of big smiles from him by picking up his feet and dropping them repeatedly. We were a little later than expected in getting home so I let him sleep until 4:00 p.m. A quick feeding (which included a sneeze from me, causing the bottle to smack him in the face and a round of solid cries) and it was time for crib time. I lay him down and he entertained himself until about 5:30 p.m. By that time, he was fussing and looking around in desperation. A quick look from him told me he wanted to be swaddled and tucked in to bed. I picked him up and performed the routine. He fell asleep immediately. He stayed that way until 7:00 p.m. and mom took over from that point forward. I went to bed at 8:00 p.m.

Day 15 –

Lil’ man woke at 3:00 a.m. and mom handled the feeding. As expected he woke also for the 6:00 a.m. feeding. Again, mom took charge. Dad is relieved. Mom spent some time with our son, past the normal ‘back to sleep’ schedule and it was wonderful to see everyone back together again.

Today was car repair day. Our family car made a strange noise this morning and it had also been prompting us for scheduled maintenance. Although sitting with our lil’ man while waiting for services to be performed on the vehicle did not exactly sound like a winning idea, we headed out for repairs. Fortunately, the repair shop had a “children’s” room where we could sit quietly. I warned the service specialist that we had three hours before a meltdown would occur. It took exactly three hours. The first hour I fed lil’ man, the next hour I sang “Rock-a-bye baby” to him and the last hour he slept. At the three hour mark, he began to stir, the car was reported to be finished and we rushed out of there to the tune of ‘waaahhhhh’. We just made it, without upsetting anyone else who had the misfortune to spend their day waiting for repairs. Having had a couple of big days, back-to-back, (the airport, the service shop) I fed our son at noon and let him have some free time in the crib. He stirred, occasionally cried but in general, he enjoyed the safety of his bed. The 3:00 p.m. feeding happened as expected and I again decided it was best to let him have free time. He began to get upset by 5:00 p.m. and he gave me a look that said to me “please swaddle me up and put me to bed”; I obliged and he fell asleep immediately. He slept until mom got home at 7:00 p.m. We both played with lil’ man, after the feeding. Mom suggested trying out the Bumbo chair – a chair designed to help infants sit up. We did and he sat like a king in a recliner. We were both so very proud. As the feeding/sleeping schedule had been pushed back some, we decided to let him sleep. We caught up from her travels and discussed the meaning of life and what happens after death; she is upset about losing her grandfather. Having a scientist’s perspective, I could not offer her much comfort but she knew that when she married me saying I resemble the main character in the show ‘Doc Martin’ and also the main character ‘Sheldon’ in ‘The Big Bang Theory'. I guess she finds some comfort in my consistency at least. I suggested we try to celebrate the life he lived and not worry about the after part for now. We discussed a curious story about a boy who claims to be reincarnated and who had a story that was difficult to dispute. Death is still a great mystery but we have, as a society, come up with many routes to find some explanation of the next journey and possibly comfort in the passing of life. She finally lay down to sleep, exhausted from her travels and emotional ordeal.